–The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.–

The novel is a beautiful and influential art form up until high school.  Once high school hits, greater priorities start to arise such as ensuring popularity on TikTok and Instagram, binging hours of Netflix and criticizing other people’s lives. The Fishers library, for this reason, will be hosting a bonfire this Friday to rid students of the unnecessary distractions of books.  

“Personally I was an early bloomer, so I haven’t picked up a book and voluntarily read it since fifth grade,” said sophomore Bill Speare. “I decided I was tired of trying to understand Jane Austen’s influence when it is just so much easier to comprehend Instagram influencers.” 

The knowledge and morals gained from YouTube have really driven the irrelevance of publications.  High school students’ enlightening rationale is that the less time they have to spend absorbing information, the more the information is going to stick.  

“When I used to read, it would take me about a week to finish a full novel,” said freshman Ginny Woolf. “Now I am able to watch about 100 YouTube videos in that span of time.  And don’t even get me started on how many TikToks I could fit into that week.”

Books are relevant as a child, but once a human’s brain starts to develop and gains the ability to make more complex connections and analyses, the need to expand knowledge through the written form is no longer of any use.  As adolescents grow into adults and prepare to go into the real world it becomes even clearer that reading from another person’s perspective is unnecessary. 

“I don’t understand why people are always harping on stepping in another’s shoes,” said senior Chuck Dickens. “I am just simply not interested in expanding my world view.” 

There is no need to buy a ticket, but bringing an addition to the fire is required for entry. Feel free to bring novels, short stories, even magazines and newspapers.  Anything that was written by someone else and is trying to force an expansion of horizons is certainly flammable.